Monday, 27 April 2015

Strippers and Mercenaries

I swear I have an alarm clock in my head. My capsuleer sixth-sense (an implant?) woke me from a dream about Empress Jamyl that I can no-longer remember, about two seconds before a message arrived on my datapad while, I should add, I was in a hotel suite in Dan's second city of Centralis.

The mail was from an agent in the Royal Khanid Navy:

See this backs up exactly what I said previously about the Navy taking notice of Talos Coalition in response to our response to the alliance wars over territory going on in the regions surrounding Khanid. I thought this was as good a reason to go back to work, so I caught the next intra-system shuttle back to the RKN place and my hangar.

Now the Navy mission described above was no problem, it merely involved a bit of mining; but I knew it would lead to something much bigger and more profitable. Sure enough, after this I was contacted by another RKN agent - Anark Bandu - about suppressing some pirate activity in the area.

So I prepped Sid Vicious and headed out to the deadspace near Bomana to take down a Guristas outpost and 'rescue' some mercenaries.

This is where things started to escalate. I had to stash 40 angry 'Militants' into Sid's cargo hold and take them through the stargate back to Ishruna (Danera IV), through the stargate, through hyperspace, without medicating them with anti-cynosis drugs first. The techs at the other end said the stink in the hold from puke and piss was unbelievable. Then Bandu said he only wanted half of them (he had a list of names) so I was stuck with 20 pissed-off, angry, stateless 'Militants' in my hangar.

Of course the mission payment made it technically worth it (only just...) and when Bandu asked me to head out again and deal with some Sansha's Nation operatives in the area I thought I'll deal with the mercs later and headed out again. Fighting Sansha ships was entertaining, if only because their ships look as angry as Sansha Kuvakei himself. Such anger. Everywhere. I bet these pirates just need a big hug from time-to-time.

After this I thought I'd go and deal with the 'Militants' but Bandu offered me another mission involving the rescue of some politician's daughter from a pirate ringleader called Kruul.

I had to get the Omen out for this because I was outnumbered about 20-1 and needed the firepower and force-multiplying effect of drones. Rookies: get drones. Treat them like pets. They'll save you more times than you'll ever know.

Now this one took some time. Partly because I fitted a salvager to the Omen's spare high slot and used it on all the wreckage I created. Because of this, these low-level missions were still hugely lucrative because of all the quality loot, and particularly the salvage, which is essentially free ISK.

So I rescued the politician's daughter, killed Kruul, got the proof of his death in the form of a DNA sample, and salvaged/looted a load of miscellaneous hybrid turret ammo that will be worth playing with at some point.

Then, Bandu called with another mission about shutting down a pirate-run brothel out in some nasty deadspace pocket right here in Danera, so I headed out with the Omen and cleaned that deadspace right up. We can't have that sort of degeneracy in Dan. We just can't.

Since I'm such a nice person, I ended up rescuing everyone left alive in the wrecked brothel and took them all back to base along with a load of holovids that one of them said were 'important'. Yeah, right. Holovids in a brothel? Wonder what kind of holovids they are then..? Home-made?

Bandu then said some garbage about how rescuing people wasn't part of the mission, so I was left fuming, because in my hangar now I had 20 angry Militants who never say exactly what it is they're angry about, the DNA of a local pirate kingpin, 10 low-level station rat/janitor types that had come along for the ride, and 10 'exotic dancers'.

Just think about that combination for a minute...

Now if my mentor Aire Arryns from Hedion U in Conoban was here, I know what he would say:

"Vitoc them, Cassandra", he'd say. "You have a ready-made starship crew right there at your feet. Administer the Vitoc to all of them and you will have them worshipping you as if you are Empress Jamyl herself - they will be grateful for their service to you, Cassandra. Vitoc! It is the Amarrian way!"

I'm not Amarrian. I'm a Ni-Kunni.

If Taltha was here, I know what she would say:

"That's sick, don't you dare turn them into your slaves", she'd say. "Bring that guy Kruul's DNA over here and we can clone him without a brain and have some fun with him; but you have to deal with those others now, straight away, otherwise you'll have a riot on your hands. Strippers and soldiers in the same room? It's not as if you've given them anything to do in that hangar of yours except watch those porn films you found with them either. Sell them. Sell them all."

"But you just said no to slavery", I'd reply.

"No to you. Let someone else have them!" she'd say.

Not sure about the logic there...

I checked the markets. It turns out you can't sell 'Militants', because they can only sell themselves. Janitors are in infinite supply and therefore valueless, but strippers, sorry, exotic dancers, most definitely were in demand up in Palas. I loaded all ten of them into the passenger cabin of Sexy Beast and ferried them up to Palas, where I got nearly half a million ISK for them - after tax - in some poxy club where the owner openly advertises a huge demand for them. What a sicko.

So I started the day working for the Royal Khanid Navy, and ended the day dealing with a minor refugee crisis and dabbling in amateur people-trafficking. 

Welcome to New Eden...

I dread to think about what will happen to those girls now. Note to self: sentimentality is fatal in this game...

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